Fallout Shelter Albums
by Brady Tighe
All right, so the nice guy on the TV
news has let you know that there
are mere moments before the entire
world gets obliterated in a murderous
fireball of whatever murderous
fireballs are made of. You have
about three minutes to make it
down to the fallout shelter you dug
beneath your house when you were
bored one summer month. On the
way down the stairs, you have time
to grab three or four records from
your collection. These are records
that need to last you the entirety of
the apocalypse, however long that
may be, and they might have other
uses once you come out of your
bunker and start to roam the wasteland
that was once your town.
How do you do it? How do you
pick those key records that are going
to sustain and last you forever?
Forget about your iPod, you left it
somewhere and it’s gone. If you
don’t buy CDs, tough tits, ’cause
you should have thought about
that back when you were tormenting
the discography of some band
you didn’t care about. If you have
bought a bunch of CDs and records
though, how do you pick which
three or five or ten to cart down?
I’ve written a couple of helpful hints
on how to pick the best of the best,
for the sake of your sanity.
TIP 1: Think Ahead
Just because an album is a favourite
of yours right now doesn’t
mean that within a week you won’t
hate the snot out of every note on
it. Some albums are just a one hit
wonder—something you listen to
ten times after you buy it and then
never think of again. In the event of
an emergency, it’s better to go with
old favourites than the new young
punks on the block.
TIP 2: Your Favourites Might
Not Be Your Favourites 10,000
Listens Later
Personally, I call this “Back In
Black” syndrome. When I was a
young boy growing up, Back in
Black was my favourite album. Every
song on it was played to the
point where people insisted I never
play it around them ever again. I
loved every chord and I knew every
word. It was the record that defined
me as a person, and it was the record
that I compared every other
piece of music ever created too, and
naturally, all other pieces of music
were proven inferior in the face of
the Young brothers’ power chord
assault. After performing this kind
of worship for about seven years
straight, I began to tire of Back in
Black, mainly because I’d heard it
more times than I’d taken breaths
of air. I recently listened to it again,
after a hiatus of not listening to any
song on it for about five years. So,
when you go running for cover in
the end times, don’t bring albums
that you know every single note of
so well that you can whistle it frontto-
back while intoxicated, you’ll
regret it after one or two weeks of
being underground.
TIP 3: Variety
No matter what kind of music fan
you are, chances are you still have a
variety of albums genre-wise. If you
quickly grab nothing but metal records,
you’re going to be miserable
when you suddenly tire of metal and
need a change of pace—something
with acoustics maybe, or something
with a pop bounce. Now, I know all
the metalheads are going to stand
up in rage and yell, “Metal is everything!
Nothing is better!” And literally
99.9 percent of the time, I totally
agree with them. But sometimes
you need variety to break things up.
It’s hard to be mellow and relaxed
when a Machine Head album is
skullfucking you to death over and
over again. Break things up with a
variety of artists and styles of music.
A bit of everything will save your
life down there.
TIP 4: Albums to “Get Your
Bone On” to
Eventually you’re going to have to
head back out into the world and
re-populate. It’s a job that one can’t
do well without the right musical
backing. There’s something uncool
about conceiving children to the
sounds of rats squeaking and eating
irradiated corpses, instead of
the sound of Barry White or Issac
Hayes have their way with your
eardrums. Anything that gets you
in the mood will work. Be sure to
grab an album that makes you want
to get funky while you’re grabbing
your other choices. It’s the best plan
for the future of the human race.
Just don’t make it something that
only you think is great “get down”
music. As fucking awesome as
Pantera is, I’ve yet to find that one
golden lady who gets totally ready
to “rock” when she hears “Cowboys
From Hell.”
So there you have it—the tips I have
for you as you descend down to
whatever shelter you have erected
for yourself in the event of any kind
of world-ending holocaust. As one
final tip, I’d advise you to grab as
many albums as you can, because
you never know when you’re going
to get tired of one and need something
fresh to keep the cockroaches
satisfied.
BRADY’S FALLOUT
SHELTER ALBUMS
1. Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan
2. Never Mind The Bollocks by The
Sex Pistols
3. Kill Em’ All by Metallica
4. Overkill by Motorhead
5. Painkiller By Judas Priest
6. Heaven and Hell by Black Sabbath
7. What’s Going On by Marvin
Gaye
8. Raw Power by Iggy and The
Stooges
9. Master of Reality by Black Sabbath