Movie Review: The Crazies
by Brady Tighe
Horror movies have been nose-diving
slowly into cliché and lameness
for so long it’s hard to remember
those golden years when they were
good. The Crazies continues a long
trend of movies that have good moments
and set pieces with promise,
but end up falling into the same old
trick of loud noises blasting out of
the theatre speakers when everything
is quiet. Of course, you’re going
to jump when a sudden explosion
of harsh sound hits your ear
drums when everything is quiet.
It’s unfair, and it shows no talent or
originality.
Sure, The Crazies has a cool sequence
in a car wash, and Timothy
Olyphant manages to do the best
he can with a supremely boring
role. He plays a sheriff in a small
town somewhere in the Bible Belt.
Things go wrong with the town’s
water supply—wrong things involving
military weapons and whatnots
and whatever. Seriously, it’s boring.
You won’t care about it if you see
this movie either.
Either way, things go wrong and
the results are things you’ve seen in
better movies. It even fails at gore.
The Crazies skimps on the blood
like I skimp on mayo. Sure, blood
flows, but it flows lamely and boringly.
There isn’t a single part of this
movie you won’t be able to predict
minutes before it happens. Unless
you live under a rock, you will have
allready seen this movie and every
scene in it.
Sure, I guess you’ll dig it if you
just want some shock and whatever—
some blah loudness to accompany
your popcorn. Literally, the
best credit I can give this movie is
that it goes well with popcorn. And
I also recommend a large Fruitopia.
The red kind.
But maybe you like Junior
Mints, in which case, go for those,
but then skip the Fruitopia.
I honestly can’t figure out anything
to say about this movie that
isn’t a total cliché—just like this
movie. You’ll want to leave early,
not because of the terror, but because
you probably have something
to do. Even if you don’t, leaving the
couch to go watch The Crazies won’t
be worth it. Stay sitting! If you’re
reading this on the bus, on the way
to the theatre, get off at the next
stop and go get a cup of coffee.
Save your fucking money. Do
something constructive.