End Of The World Tunes
by Brady Tighe
The world is going to end at some
point. The nuclear bombers are going
to hit the wild blue yonder, or
some kind of biological weapon
is going to rip us all a new one, or
maybe the zombies will rise and
devour us all. Either way, we’re all
going to shuffle off this mortal coil.
And if it happens then let’s hope
it happens big, like mushroomclouds-
on-the-horizon-everythingis-
going-to-be-reduced-to-ash-ina-
blinding white-flash kind of big.
So, if things go down that way,
there better be an amazing song to
accompany it. Something for the pilot
to listen to when he rams down
the trigger to drop a thermonuclear
bomb right into the heart of civilization
as we know it, or something
to listen to as you slam down your
last stiff drink before you’re drinking
with the big guy upstairs.
In the whole slag heap of music,
there are three tunes that are the
be all end all of the whole idea of
“holy fuck it’s all over.” Each song
has its own kind of apocalypse attached
to it—its own set of sounds
for the Four Horsemen to be riding
to. These three songs represent everything
about the end of the world.
They won’t be played on the radio by
some DJ, who chucks them on before
abandoning his post. No, you’ll
just hear them, from on high, blasting
from the PA system of the heavens
on some sunny day. And when
you hear them, you’ll know you
only have minutes left—minutes to
smoke ’em if you got ’em, grab the
nearest person and ravage them, or
just sit back and wait for the whole
shit show to fade to black.
The three songs, or situations
as it were, are “The Free Bird Situation,”
the “Armageddon Situation,”
and the “War Pigs Situation.”
The War Pigs Situation
As the title suggests, this situation
has to do with war—an end of the
human race brought about by human
folly. The song opens with
doom-like chords and air raid sirens,
so you can practically see clouds of
bombers in the sky, dropping long
trails of ordnance on everything.
The lyrics of this tune describe every
detail of the end of the world,
from politicians hiding themselves
away to generals gathered in their
masses and Satan laughing and
spreading his wings. The end of
the world never sounded so good,
or so terrifying. A world that ends
with the song “War Pigs” is a world
that ends in a sickening pile of
rubble and ashes where the bodies
burn, brought about by greed and
bloodlust—Black Sabbath made a
career of singing about topics like
the end of the world, and never did
they achieve that as well as they do
with this heavy metal classic. If you
ever hear “War Pigs” blasting from
the sky, you’re about to see every
kind of man-made instrument of
destruction fired at once. Tracer fire
will light up the sky, and a worldwide
nuclear holocaust will bring
about the next age of planet Earth.
The Four Horsemen will ride across
the land, beckoned forward and on
by Tony Iommi’s guitar, and Geezer
Butler’s bass. Fire and brimstone!
It’s going to be awesome.
From the time the button is
pushed, you’ll have seven minutes
and 58 seconds.
The Armageddon Situation
This is a whole different ballgame
than the War Pigs Situation. Prism’s
song “Armageddon” is what would
happen if the world ended in a glorious
party. Not a beer-strippersand-
blow party, but the kind of party
where everything has descended
into total madness, and at the conclusion
of this song, not only is Elvis
going to come back to life, but
the whole world is going to end in
a bright white flash. The song opens
with the thunderous sound of fighter
jets flying overhead, and then
jovial radio chatter. It’s probably at
this time that the populace of North
America is having one last great
kegger, talking about what it’s going
to be like in that great big beyond.
Families are standing on their front
lawns, sunglasses on, waiting for
the end to just roll across their front
porches. There’s a sense of dismay
that the world is ending, of course,
but you’ve all marched and looted
together, you’ve made peace with
all your neighbours with one final
summer BBQ and it’s time to look
toward the future—a future where
everyone is dead and the whole
planet has exploded into space dust,
but a future nonetheless.
When you hear this song, you’ll
have seven minutes and 45 seconds
to finish that lukewarm lager your
grasping, salute, and put on your
sunglasses for the great big flash on
the horizon.
The Free Bird Situation
This is the biggest and best of any
kind of world-ending situation.
This is where everything has hit
the fan; the zombies have risen, the
aliens have landed, the Russians are
coming, and the Almighty himself
has returned to Earth. Those
who had the means and the money
are hiding in their fallout shelters.
Those unlucky enough to be on the
surface are patrolling around in
cars, armed to the teeth, drinking
beer, and looting TVs. Government
has collapsed, and the undead are
moving in droves across the planet,
eating all that they find. You come
crawling out of your basement,
fresh off your last round of video
gaming, and survey the landscape
in front of you—a mess of destruction,
cop cars on fire, roving gangs
of wild teens walking the street, and
a news anchor on the radio assuring
everyone to remain calm. It’s right
then, at that moment, that you’ll
hear “Free Bird” start to play from
on high. Who knows? Somebody
might have actually yelled “play
Free Bird!” before being hit by an
alien saucer as it ploughed through
buildings.
Somebody has finally answered
that request.
So as Pestilence, War, Famine,
and Death do one last greatest
hits tour of the globe, this will be
the sound you hear. It’ll
start slowly, with Ronnie
Van Zant crooning
about his last lost love,
the song growing and
building slowly. Then it
finally explodes, the last
two minutes of the song
blasting out louder than
a thousand Ozzfest gigs.
The continents will melt
and fall into the ocean,
War will pick up the
Eiffel Tower and hurl it
into the sun, and you’ll
find yourself driving 235
km/hr. down the highway,
trying to escape
the falling buildings and
melting landscape behind
you, with a blonde
bombshell in the passenger seat,
and a smile on your face. Because
this bird you cannot change. Then
nothing. The world fades out just
like “Free Bird” does, at nine minutes
and seven seconds.
So, when the world does roll over
for a forever dirt nap, you won’t
need to fret. Anything that ends
with screaming guitars, pounding
drums, and Ozzy screaming lyrics
about doom is something that
ends on a sweet and cool fucking
note. I’m actually kind of looking
forward to it. Although, now every
time I hear “War Pigs,” I wonder if
the freaking world is going to end.
If that’s the situation right now, the
world is going to end with me eating
chips and thinking, “Fuck, I
could use a burger right now.”
Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.