LIBRA · Sep 23-Oct 23

Libra, I’m going to drop a real truth bomb on you here: you don’t need to please anybody but you. I’ve got three simple rules for you to live by this spring season; live, laugh and love. (Live under a rock, laugh until you pee, love pizza).

SCORPIO · Oct 23-Nov 22

Joe asked me for a nice Scorpio horoscope this month so here you go. In case you were worried about it, you’re a good person Scorpio. You’re trying your best to achieve your dreams but you don’t step on other people’s toes on the way up. That’s only going to serve you well in the long run and you’re going to do amazing things. Also, you’re dumb. (Ha.)

SAGITTARIUS · Nov 22-Dec 22

It’s that stressful time of the semester again where you’re maybe receiving marks that you’re not so happy about. Chin up Sagittarius, you’re going to be alright. You’re a smart cookie and one bad grade isn’t the end of the world. Treat yourself to a bath bomb and hit refresh. Everything is going to be okay.

CAPRICORN · Dec 23-Jan 20

You’re a potato and you may have been thinking about this a lot, hell, even done some great research, but you SHOULD NOT adopt 12 cats. Definitely just adopt 12 more plants instead. Maybe 13 actually. Okay, okay, we’ll cut you off at 56.

AQUARIUS · Jan 20-Feb 18

Here’s a fun fact: we didn’t die in December 2012 but due to global warming, we still might. If we take the sun back with us in a time machine, we can still make this happen. Let’s go team!

PISCES · Feb 18-Mar 20

As a fish you should be able to swim but even you are finding it difficult to stay afloat! It’s nearing the end of the semester but the end can’t come fast enough. No fear, I know just how you feel Pisces so I built a life raft out of Pringles for us. Travel and a snack, what more do we need? What? They’re going to dissolve? Yeah sure, okay, no need to get salty.

ARIES · Mar 20-Apr 20

A concept: 200 geese plus a piece of toast with raspberry jam except the geese are actually mice and the toast with jam is actually a single piece of rhubarb. Genius.

TAURUS · Apr 20-May 21

I’ve got some bad news and some good news for you Taurus. Bad news is that Mercury is in retrograde which means that absolutely every project you approach will make you feel existential dread and like you aren’t good enough to do it. You’ll feel worthless and terrible about all your work. The good news is that Mercury is in retrograde which means the way you’re feeling will pass eventually. Until then, put a pillow over your head and eat a whole book, doctor’s orders. (Crunch crunch crunch.)

GEMINI · May 21-Jun 21

Eating exactly 1342 shrimp will make your skin turn pink Gemini so I hope that you’ve been keeping count. Who knows when you’re going to turn into a sweet little pastel soft-grunge? Today? Tomorrow? Serves you right for not keeping a tally. What’s that, you don’t like Shrimp? Jokes on you, I put a shrimp in your latte this morning. Ha.

CANCER · Jun 21-Jul 23

Mercury? I don’t know her. Who cares if she’s in a retro garage? Not you. She can enjoy cars from the 50’s as much as she wants to. You’re far too busy with your new Pokémon game to pay any attention to some silly old element. Also, classes are a thing maybe, yeah…

LEO · Jul 23-Aug 23

Leo’s hate feeling dumb which is why I’m not allowed to make fun of them anymore. Since Mercury is a Gatorade, maybe I’ll try and be a bit nicer to you. Coincidently, I made a lion piñata for no reason in particular. In this stressful time in the semester, it may be fun to hit it a bit, y’know, get some of that sweet, sweet sugar. (Haha, this is a sex joke that I am making.)  

VIRGO · Aug 23-Sep 23

PANIC. MERCURY IS IN THE MICROWAVE. You need to get it out before it gets it dirty and your mom finds out! Or wait— maybe it was that Mercury is into vaporwave? Eh, I can’t remember, either way, Mercury is getting itself into bad places and it’s making you all emotional as a result. Try to take care of yourself in this trying time, the last thing you need is end-of-semester burnout!