I have found Nanaimo’s most eligible bachelor.

They’re outdoorsy, well-connected, and they’re looking for a mutually beneficial long-term relationship. Outdoorsy is an understatement. They spend all their time beneath the canopies, rain or shine—especially after the rain—and they’re looking for a partner with strong roots and deep networks. Could you be the one for them?

In terms of appearances, they come in all sorts of colours—reds, yellows, whites, browns, and greens—and, depending on the species and your type, are strikingly beautiful.

There is only one minuscule problem, so infinitesimal that it really shouldn’t be an issue. They are a little bit toxic.

Meet Amanita, a genus containing roughly 650 accepted species. Also known as fly agaric.

Let’s add some clarity. Some Amanita species are toxic. Others are edible. Some are deadly; something easy to overlook in the grand scheme of things. So, all in all, they fall pretty standardly in the dating pool.

Looking for: A serious, symbiotic relationship. They prefer monogamy, but they’re also open-minded.

Occupation: Fungi.

Height: Inconclusive. They ask to be measured after the next rainfall.

Location: Your garden, they say with a wink.

Typical Sunday: Sleeping in, getting brunch at Gabriel’s, then standing completely motionless beneath a tree for eight and a half hours. It’s called mindfulness.

Their green flags are lush and vibrant. Amanita is close with their community; they value reciprocity, and they have a very strong support network. When it comes to commitment, they’re already experienced in maintaining long-term relationships underground.

They spend plenty of time alone, so they’re strong in their sense of self, mindfulness, and independence. Who doesn’t want a self-aware partner?

Their love language is quality time. Physical touch is, for obvious reasons, off the table.

When it comes to online dating, they’ve never downloaded Hinge, Tinder, or Plenty of Fungi (POF). They prefer old-fashioned organic meetups.

Unfortunately, our Amanita has red flags and needs a little consideration.

They want commitment, but they don’t believe in labels. They’ve also been “working on themselves” since 2016, and they describe every ex as crazy or “the problem.” When it comes to counselling or therapy, they don’t believe in it; they prefer to “work through things on their own,” despite all available evidence proving otherwise. They have an ex who is ‘basically family,’ but they rarely go to family functions anymore.

And, depending on the species, they may also be poisonous.

But there is also something we should add, if we’re getting it all out on the table. Or out of the ground. The mushroom standing above the soil is only one part of the organism, or partner, you’re seeing.

Below ground are microscopic, thread-like structures called hyphae, which form a larger network called mycelium.

In other words, the Nanaimo bachelor you’re seeing on this profile is only a small portion of what you’re getting yourself into.

And Amanita comes with relationships already established.

But those relationships don’t have labels, so are they really that serious?

Most Amanita species form close partnerships with trees through their roots. Beneath the soil, the hyphae reach water and nutrients that the tree can’t easily access on its own. Amanita shares the goods, and in return, the tree supplies carbon produced through photosynthesis.

This give-and-take is called an ectomycorrhizal relationship.

In simple terms, Amanita brings water and nutrients to the table. The tree brings snacks.

So, despite the red flags and the suspiciously unlabeled relationships or partnerships, Amanita is reciprocal. They give. They receive. They’re willing to grow together.

Green flags everywhere. They just don’t want you to make a big deal out of it.

After all, you two aren’t dating.
You’re just seeing where things grow.